Dear Bonnie,
All my life I have struggled with my size. I have had to endure being criticized, being the topic of many jokes, losing so called close friends all because of my weight. I have maintained my integrity and I have accepted that I am one of the "special" ones not designed to be thin. Although I am proud of who I am and what I've become, I struggle with confidence. I would like to know what can I do to feel better about myself?
Nicole
Dear Nicole,
Accepting poor treatment by friends or anyone else can be damaging in real ways. Being attuned to who truly likes you, supports you and encourages you has the potential to heal the damage that has been done by other experiences and to give you good feelings. Notice when there are undermining comments in your "friends'" comments to you even if they seem to be joking. In talking to my friend, Jane, recently, she recounts how one of her "friends" is always talking to her about how much weight the friend has gained and what a pig she is. Jane's friend is a size four and all Jane can imagine is that she is getting an indirect slam. Choose your friends carefully. Let them go if they are not on your side even if that is hard. You will feel better if you are surrounded by people who genuinely appreciate YOU! Depression may be part of your struggle, too. Counseling from a licensed, local therapist can be really, really helpful, too.
Wishing you a bountiful life,
BB
Dear Bonnie,
I know that some people struggle with having a larger body than some others. I am having a great time, though, strutting my stuff. I just dyed my hair red and purple, bought some jazzy clothes and am looking forward to spring. How can I help my fat "sista-s" who aren't having as much fun as I am?
Judy
Dear Judy,
Yippee! Your sista-s need to see more of you. Talk to people wherever you go, become an activist, sing and dance with the Big Moves troop, find like minded people and show up with all your energy. The world needs you!
Wishing you a bountiful life,
BB
Dear Bonnie,
I am the mother of three young daughters. I have worked VERY hard not to body-bash in front of them or label foods as good/bad despite feeling unhappy about my body. My kids are now stressed out about my being fat and embarrassed by my body. They ask me, "Don't you want to get thinner, Mom?" "Why are you so fat?" My explanation that bodies are different doesn't seem to be helping ease their worries. What can I do or say to help them?
Linda
Dear Linda,
Your daughters are inundated with the messages about being thin, thinner, small, smaller. Hold your ground and teach them about being healthy at every size. Be there and hear them when they come to you with their concerns. Given that you have a large body, the odds are, because of their genetics, that they will be, too. If they have another point of view, other than the one currently flooding our media, they will have a chance for a healthy relationship with their body.
Wishing you a bountiful life,
BB
Dear Bonnie,
I am a big time people pleaser. I do not want to make waves. I am sweet and kind and giving and thoughtful and generous and positive. How come I don't feel so good at the end of the day?
Maria
Dear Maria,
Being a pleaser has brought you lots of good things. The challenge is that when you give more than it is truly okay with you, you have expectations that people will be appreciative, perhaps will reciprocate, will like you, love you, do for you. At the end of the day, having the choice to give without expectation, from the heart, and then stop before you have given more than is truly okay with you is the goal. I have a friend, Cathy, who belongs to a group of women who get together to exercise. She has had that group to her house for pot luck dinners on a number of occasions. None of the women have ever invited her to their house even though she knows some of them entertain. She knows that if she has them over one more time -- even though she likes doing it -- she will be angry at them for not treating her the way she wants to be treated. Stopping doing and offering is a way to take care of herself. Are you giving too much with hopes and expectations of how you will be treated in return?
Wishing you a bountiful life,
BB
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