Big Girls of the World, sit down, take a load off, and put your aching tootsies up on the couch for a moment, because let's face it, they're extremely tired after toting you around all day! I've always sustained a Love-Hate relationship with my feet: my toes are the only part of my body that are certifiably "skinny." Naturally I wear sandals at every opportunity, I paint my toenails in "look at me" colors, I wear a toe ring...I flaunt my feet to the hilt.

"How much weight have you gained this year?" my relatives ask me at Christmas, when we all get together to criticize each other, in the true spirit of the season. "None of your danged business, but did you see my beautiful skinny toes?" I reply. I'm the envy of every female present, adorned in strappy sandals despite the freezing temperatures. Frostbitten skinny toes are still skinny. Oh, the sacrifices we make for beauty!

But everything has its price, and I've surely paid for my skinny toes with humiliation at shoe-shopping time. One time I screamed at a department store saleswoman, "I am SO a Size 11...in shoes!" Lots of heads turned. When I was nine years old and the shoe salesman asked my mother if I needed paddles to go with my "canoes," Mom nearly strangled him with her purse. Many tears were shed. To this day, I order my footwear from catalogs.

There's an old saying that "a tall tower needs a sturdy platform" or something, which is supposed to make gals with extra large feet feel better. I remember back when I wore a size 9-1/2 (the pre-childbirth, 75 pounds lighter me), my beloved grandma nearly tripped over my stinky basketball shoes where I'd left them by the back door, and quipped, "You should be more careful where you leave your shoes...the ballet's in town, and there's a slipper shortage." Very funny, Grandma, who wore a size 6, which in the Shoe Universe is the Ultimate Perfect Size. She was only five feet tall, however, so I could have taken her, except she was my source for homemade apple pie, and I do love my apple pie.

Not only do I wear a Size 11 shoe, my feet are as flat as a pancake, with bunions from cramming them into assorted cute shoes over the years...cute shoes which are manufactured only up to size 9, but I didn't care, they're CUTE! Now at my age, my morning routine includes a fun little game called plantar fasciitis...if you've never experienced plantar fasciitis, it goes like this: stand up and raise your foot up in agony. Immediately fall down in a heap, as excruciating pain shoots through your heel. Try to "ease" into a standing position, and work through the pain as you hobble and hop, without wetting your pants, toward the bathroom. It can take days. This is why God made Depends.

The cure for plantar fasciitis is elusive; you can: a) roll a tennis ball with your foot 10-12 times a day (as if!), b) lose 100 pounds, (DOUBLE as if!), or c) wear a large plastic gizmo called a "night splint" which makes you resemble Frankenstein and prevents your foot from curling up. It also prevents you from having a love life, or a good night's sleep, so I think hobbling is a perfectly acceptable behavior. I simply pretend I'm doing the Tai Chi "crane," because if those Tai Chi-ers can work out in their pjs, so can I! So what if they don't fall down and scream like a banshee, maybe they should!

Thankfully these days, there are more shoe choices for us Big-Footed Girls, with respect to fashion and size, just like there are so many great clothing options for us now, too. We can even buy knee-length boots with an "extra-wide calf." They offer this, you see, for all us Big Girls who've been doing Tai Chi – oh, you SO know I'm right!

So ladies, flaunt your tootsies during these warm days of Indian Summer. Paint your toenails and slap on your toe rings. Buy a cute pair of shoes in your size, and strut, even if you have to hobble!

© 2007 Bunkie Lynn