Dear Bonnie,

My boyfriend of just a few months told me that he is not comfortable being in public with me since my body is so large. He is black and I am white. I have not said anything to him about that difference and the challenges it poses. I feel terrible. What can I do?
Diane

Dear Diane,
You are understandably hurt and upset. You have the choice, now, of walking away or talking to him about who you are. A friend of mine, Saywood Lane, had the following conversation --

"I told the man I was dating about fat and my body image and societies' fat hatred. I explained to him how fat people are oppressed because of their size, and drew analogies between size oppression and queer oppression, race oppression, ability-level oppression, oppression to women, etc. I explained it in a context of privilege operating in society and how power is harder to access for those in minorities and those who aren't favored (is fat a minority now? Practically everyone I know I fat!). I told him that I was hurt he mentioned it in the way he did as it seemed to not be in the spirit of working together against an unjust society, but being pigeonholed by society. He listened. I spent four hours talking to him about it all and I witnessed his FAT AWAKENING!" Your decision about what to do . . . .
Wishing you a bountiful life,
BB

Dear Bonnie,
The married man who lives next door to me keeps stopping over to borrow this or that. His wife travels for work so he is frequently alone. He is kind and nice to me. I can imagine getting involved with him and having a lot of fun. I do want to have a relationship with someone but maybe this would kind of tide me over until I meet the right person. A friend of mine says to go for it and not miss an opportunity for a connection. Another friend says to hold out for what I really want. I am just not sure what to do.
Debbie

Dear Debbie,
While, of course, you have to decide what it is you want for yourself, getting involved with a married person is fraught with problems, not the least of which is that he is your neighbor. A married person can easily seem to be incredibly charming because he can pour on whatever he thinks you want or need.If you agree to his advances, he has a connection with you. If you turn him down, he still has his wife to go home to for whatever they have. A married man who goes after someone single and looking for a relationship is being insulting and lacking in respect for who you are and what you are about.You have everything to lose including opportunity cost. That is, while you are spending time with him or wishing you were, you could be out and about meeting new men for possible friendships and relationships. Going out into the world to meet available men or women, depending on who you want to have a romantic relationship with, takes a certain amount of energy, determination and enough good anxiety to get one going, if you are involved with a married person, even thinking it will be temporary or meet some needs, you may be curtailing the energy needed to get out there and do what it takes to meet some new, great people!
Wishing you a bountiful life,
BB

Dear Bonnie,
I want to find a way to lighten up all the talk about how it is is to be fat, plus size, overweight, whatever you call it and the people who notice us, are attracted to us. Any ideas?
Elaine

Dear Elaine,
So glad you asked. I recently read a wonderful term for the people, men and women, who are attracted to women with full size bodies, "spirit admirers." Cathy Miller writes, by "spirit admirer" (SA) I mean men who are most attracted by the spirit (or personality or humanity or whatever you want to call it) of a woman and find her beautiful and wildly attractive because of it." Don't you just love that term, SPIRIT ADMIRER? This does not suggest that the physical beauty of the woman is less than but let us all look at the whole person!
Wishing you a bountiful life,
BB

Dear Bonnie,
Your counterpart, Dear Abby, is always talking about people losing weight. If I could be thinner and stay that way, I would. That is just not how my body works. Some times I do eat more than I should. Some times I eat what is good and right for me. I am simply not willing to diet, again, since I have done that a million times before. What can I say to my sister who, once again, gave me a Dear Abby column?
Evelyn

Dear Evelyn,
The Dear Abby column reflects the mind set of the media, that is, eat less, lose weight, end of the story! More and more, however, there are books, blogs, newsletters, forums and fabulous sites like this one providing the mainstream idea that being healthy at every size is the goal for each and every one of us.
Wishing you a bountiful life,
BB